Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
