I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
