Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
