it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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