I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she looked like the before picture.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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