I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
