And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
