What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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