he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize