Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
