My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I skipped work to stalk him.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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