she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
