Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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