i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
