I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize