You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
