You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
