1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
