Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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