She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
ttyl tear gas
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
