i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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