why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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