I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
