The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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