I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
