Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
