She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
