I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
