come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
