I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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