Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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