I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
