you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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