sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
