That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
