i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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