Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
