I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
