I want you more than these girls want KFC
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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