I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
