the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
