My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
