i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
