I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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