yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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