Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
