Your face is a jimmy john
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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