I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
