i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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