my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
