Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I need to stop coming to work sober
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
