I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I didn't notice because vodka
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
