i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
