I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
