So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
try to milk me bitch
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