went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
its liver damage thursday
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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