i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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