Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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